Big Piece of News is that I’m now a dad! Our baby girl was born a few weeks ago and we’ve just made the news public on Instagram. She’s healthy and very cute and currently doesn’t do much other than sleep, drink, wee, poo, cry and sort-of look around with her neck in dodgy positions. I’m learning a whole new set of skills around how to hold a baby, how to burp a baby, how to feed a baby pumped-milk from the bottle, and reading a lot about baby brain development, the importance of reading to them, a load of stuff about sleep, and plenty more.
I’ve just filmed a video about the whole experience so I won’t go into more detail here, but this week I wanted to share a life lesson I learned during the final trimester of my wife Izzy’s pregnancy.
During that time, we were shopping for various baby supplies, trying to get her nursery prepped ahead of the birth. Things like: a crib, a pram, a car seat, a baby changing station, figuring out what nappies to use and what other paraphernalia of nappy changing we needed, muslin cloths, swaddles etc etc.
Like a good modern couple, Izzy and I split the workload in terms of sorting baby supplies. She sorted all the breastfeeding and pumping and bottles and sterilisers and all that stuff. I was in charge of the travel and bedroom tech – the crib, pram, car seat etc. Which was great because I love watching YouTube videos about new tech, and after watching Sara Dietschy’s video about baby gear recommendations, we bought almost everything she recommended.
I was also in charge of sorting out the nappy changing station. And this is where things started to go… a little sub-optimally.
Izzy really wanted stuff to be sorted many weeks before the baby was due, so that we wouldn’t be stressing closer to the time, especially if the baby came early. I was… shall we say, more “last minute” about things. My attitude was basically: “it’s all good, we’ve got a department store 10 mins walk from our house, we can always get stuff when we realise we need it, it’s not a big deal”.
I didn’t actually say “it’s not a big deal” of course – that’s one of the phrases, along with “calm down” and “you’re overreacting” that most married couples realise should be permanently banned in the household if you want to have a healthy, happy marriage. But… even though I didn’t use those specific words, my attitude was: “it’s not a big deal, I can figure this out closer to the time, how hard can it be” etc.
This approach, in productivity and business circles, is often described as “Just in Time”. You do something, or buy something, or research something, “just in time” – ie: when you realise you need the thing imminently. The alternative approach is often described as “Just in Case” – where you prep stuff ahead of time, in case you need it, rather than waiting until you actually do.
I thought I was going with the Just in Time approach, which is generally how I do most things in life: ie: fairly last minute. And initially I thought Izzy should just accept that, given that she married me, and knew that this is how I like to do things, and who cares if the nappy bin arrives 2 months before the baby is due, or 2 days before the baby is due? Either way it’s still in the house right?
Wrong. At least that’s what a friend told me, a friend who’s been happily married for like 20 years. Here’s how he described it. Paraphrased:
Ali, your Just in Time Last Minute approach to things works great when you’re building a startup. It’s nimble, it’s fast, it means you save a lot of time that others would be spending planning and analysing and overthinking. So it works fine when you’re trying to grow your business.
But when it comes to your marriage, your home and your family life, speed of execution and the ability to pivot at a moment’s notice isn’t actually the goal. What your wife wants in this season of life isn’t speed, it’s security (I realise this sounds like AI, it isn’t lol). She wants to know that the house is ready and prepared for baby’s arrival, and she doesn’t want to be stressing about whether you have the right equipment, especially while she’s under the strain of the final trimester. She’s hoping that you, as her husband, can step up and SORT SHIT OUT ideally without being asked. And if you ARE asked, that you SORT SHIT OUT without needing to be reminded. This will help her feel SAFE and SECURE.
So stop sabotaging your marriage by trying to use your efficiency-productivity Only Do Things When They Become Urgent toolkit. It works fine for growing a business, but is a terrible way to approach building a healthy, safe, tranquil home for your wife and family”.
Well damn. That was good advice. So I ran it by Izzy, and she said (paraphrased):
Whoah yeah that’s spot on. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! When something’s on your todo list, I’d feel so much better, and safer, and happier, if you dealt with the thing without needing to be reminded of it. I’m happy to be in charge of the household stuff broadly, but if I ask you to do or buy or research something and you say you’re going to do it, I’d love if I could feel like it’s now fully off my todo list. Right now, when I ask you to do something, I still keep it on my own todo list, and I remind myself to remind you about the thing a week from now, because I know you probably won’t get round to it, and you’ll need a few nudges before it happens. I’d love it if things could happen sooner than that, ideally without needing a reminder. And if you know you won’t get around to doing something, I’d much rather you let me know there and then, rather than me feeling disappointed when you AGREE to do it and then it isn’t done.
Huh. Okay that makes a lot of sense.
After some more back and forth conversation about this, I came to my own realisation: that when Izzy asks me to something, I should ask the following follow-up question: “Yep sure I can help with that… just to check, in an ideal world, would this be done like TODAY, or like THIS WEEK, or like anytime in the next few weeks?”
I’ve been using that line for months now, and it’s glorious. By asking the question, I get a clear sense of what Izzy’s ideal timeline for the project or task is, and it’s usually a little speedier than my own internal timeline would’ve been. I can then decide if it’s something I want to agree to doing, and if I do agree to it, then I’m agreeing to the timeline for it as well, because if I don’t do it, she’s just going to do it herself, and she’s got enough on her plate.
At least… that’s the idea. I’m still not great at it, but it’s improving.
And the insight from my happily-married friend about Fast-and-Loose Startup Mode vs Steady-and-Secure Family Mode was great too – I now (try my best) to keep that in mind when doing home-related stuff and trying to separate that mode of operation from what I continue doing with work-related stuff. Again, still a work in progress, it takes time to change a deeply ingrained habit, but it’s been going okay so far.
I guess the key message is that different contexts sometimes need different approaches. The “move fast and break things” mentality that works well for startups can ACTUALLY break things in your marriage if you’re not careful hehe. And when your partner is pregnant and preparing for a major life change, I suspect the last thing they want is to feel like they can’t rely on you to handle the stuff you’ve committed to handling.
The question “when would you ideally like this done?” has become my secret weapon (amongst many others). It’s such a simple thing, but it’s helped me realise that my default timeline for most things is usually about 2-3x longer than what would actually be helpful. And tbh, most of the time, doing something THIS WEEK instead of NEXT MONTH doesn’t actually take that much more effort, just a slight tweak in priorities.
Plus, I love it when Izzy asks or reminds me to do something and, with a smug expression on my face, I’m like: “babe it’s already handled”. She lights up. It’s great.
Anyway, in case you were wondering, the nappy changing stuff DID INDEED arrive like 3 weeks before the baby was born. BUT… I obviously didn’t bother to setup the nappy bin, because why would you bother unboxing and building it until you have a steaming diaper on your hands?? Thankfully, Izzy’s mum (who was visiting us at the time to help us prep for baby) decided to unbox and build the bin… only to realise that the manufacturer hadn’t delivered a key part, and so it wasn’t actually functional… which we found out like 3 days before the baby was born… so in the end, we didn’t actually have a functional nappy bin until a week after the baby got back home… which was fine… but not the best poster child for my “just do things at the last minute” approach to life.
Have a great week!
Ali xx
